A photo I tool from the Pearl Tower in Shanghai. Sometimes it's good to get a different perspective.
I think about the future a lot. I'm only 18, so I should probably be running around living life to the full etc, but recently I've found myself getting all worried and anxious.
It sounds stupid, but I'm scared to grow up. I'm scared to move away to a big city in September (as long as I get in), I'm scared to say goodbye to all my friends once we leave school, I'm scared I've applied for the wrong course, I'm scared I've decided to go to the wrong university, the list could go on...
The whole concept of being old freaks me out. It worries me that I won't be 18 forever, and that one day I could be 85, sitting on my own regretting all the choices I've made in life (I really hope that doesn't happen though...). I think my recent anxiety has stemmed mainly from A Levels and the massive changes my life is going to experience in the next few months - I hate change - but also the concept of death.
Death is not something I'm comfortable with. Not in the slightest. I don't believe in an afterlife, so it completely weirds me out to think that any second, anyone could be knocked off the Earth by some freak accident or an illness, and that once they die, boom, life is over and everything they ever did ceases to exist (unless it exists in other people's consciousness).
Anyway, the point of this post (it's not just a post to worry my mum - seriously, Jane, I don't need an intervention it's cool) is mainly for me to confront my own anxieties, and to just think them through. It's good to have a blog sometimes, it's like talking to yourself or a diary but on the internet and letting the whole world see it...
I find that whenever I'm getting particularly scared or worried, which doesn't happen very often because I generally employ a mental blockade of puppies and kittens to distract from the 'deep and meaningful' thought path that my brain is going down, I have to rationalise what it is that's making me feel that way.
With school, I have to remind myself that it's all my own making - I can decide who to stay in contact with, I can decide how well I do in the exams (mostly). With university, I have to remember why it is that I chose to do History over Architecture - this one really helps because I remind myself of all the bad things about architecture that came up on Google.
The main thing I've found is that, yes, I hate change and growing older and the future and anything that isn't lying in my bed eating chocolate and watching Tina Fey or Amy Poehler, but that the future really is down to me. You can't live your life being scared of what opportunities you're missing by making one decision (e.g. thinking of all the people you're not meeting by going to one university instead of another), but rather you have to embrace the adventure.
I feel like I'm being very cheesy and cliche, but to be honest this post is mainly here just for me to look at when I'm getting all worried and stuff - future me, remember: if everything sucks and does go wrong, don't blame the decisions you made now. They were made with the best intentions. Just get a bar of chocolate, cry for a little bit, then book a trip around the world.
Being scared isn't bad. Being scared is good - it makes change more exciting (as long as you don't get so scared that you stop... That's never good, just keep going).